


out of our nightminds (and into the light)

by seemeeimbeebee



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, Show Canon Compliant, Spoilers for S5, we can have a little emotional release as a treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seemeeimbeebee/pseuds/seemeeimbeebee
Summary: Another thing that Jamie discovers about his daughter: she grieves the same way he does.Spoilers for 5.07.
Relationships: Jamie Fraser/Brianna Randall Fraser MacKenzie
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	out of our nightminds (and into the light)

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops, my hand slipped and I wrote another oneshot about Brianna and Jamie's relationship. I figured since Murtaugh played a significant role in Jamie's life and he lost him, Brianna would have a sympathetic perspective for her father, given what she went through when Frank died. So somehow I ended up here! I hope you enjoy!

Truly, James Fraser was no stranger to grief.

It was something he had experienced a thousand times over and something he’d surely experience a thousand times again.

Still, it was the loss of Murtaugh that seemed to cut through him with every breath. He could not help but shake his godfather’s last few moments. The things he should have done differently to prevent Murtaugh’s death—and Roger’s accompanying tragedy with it—haunted him every single day.

He found himself restlessly pacing in the house while Claire worked, something his wife playfully commented on, but never pushed him for that. And for that, he could not have loved her more. He was not ready to be pushed into talking, as he had no idea what to say. What could be said about losing a man you had known your whole life, who had protected you and looked after you?

_I shoulnda fought against him…he was right and I ken he was right, and I still didna fight harder against Tryion’s tyranny and bloodlust. Murtaugh paid the price for my indecision…_

Even now the grief seemed to lodge itself in his throat and he let out a choked sob, knowing that it was far too early for anyone to really hear or see him. He had left Claire sleeping peacefully in their bed, and no one else was awake just yet. He had sought out solitude more often since his godfather’s death, and for the most part, people on the Ridge knew to leave him be.

Which is why it surprised him when a warm body wrapped around him from behind. The head seemed slightly out of place for Claire’s, which meant it was the only other person who would dare even approach him from behind to hold him like that. Finding her hand on his chest, he gave it an affectionate little squeeze.

“It’s far too early to fer ye to be awake, a leannan. It’s not yet dawn and yer already here with yer mother and I,” he told her affectionately, though his voice was still heavy with his unshed tears. The arms tightened around him, and he could feel Brianna’s cheek press more firmly against his back. “Just what are ye doin’ back there, eh?”

“I’m giving you a hug,” Brianna mumbled against her father’s shirt. “You looked like you could use one.” 

Jamie smiled and twisted his body a little so he could look at her.

Brianna stepped back and tilted her head as she looked up at him. “Da?” she asked softly.

_Murtaugh’s eyes flashed with joy as he took in Brianna. “What took ye so long?” he asked teasingly, but it was clear he’d already loved her just for knowing she was Jamie and Claire’s daughter._

_We could’ve had so much more time if I had just…_ Jamie ducked his head, trying to hide his tears from his daughter, but she already had her arms wrapped around him again before the tears could fall. He wrapped her up tightly in his arms, trying to keep her close to him, taking solace in the steady rise and fall of her chest against his own. His breath shuddered with a jagged sob.

“It’s okay, Da,” she whispered earnestly, her own voice a little bit choked up as well. “I know you miss Murtaugh. It’s okay to cry, Da.”

The last thing he wanted was to keep crying in front of Brianna, yet another sob tore itself from his throat as his daughter stood with him, so desperate to try and heal his hurt despite carrying her own burdens with her. He gave her a little squeeze as if he could try and heal her hurt too, and she rested his head on his shoulder.

“Seems wrong for me to cry like a wee bairn in front of ye, lass,” Jamie said roughly, brusquely wiping away his own tears.

“Babies cry because they need something but they don’t have the words for it,” Brianna pointed out, looking up at him. She shrugged with a sad little smile. “There’s not really words for this, are there?” There was a heavy understanding in her words and tone and he gently placed his cheek against her forehead.

“No, there’s not,” Jamie agreed, rocking his daughter where they stood. His hand ran soothingly up and down her arm, but whether it was to try and heal her past hurt or whether it was to reassure himself that she was still there he was not sure.

“I know there’s prayers, there’s what the poets say, but…death is…sometimes it’s too much for one person to deal with alone,” she whispered. “And we have lost a lot lately.” Her eyes flickered down to the porch, not meeting his own for a minute.

“How are ye doing, Bree?” he asked her softly, looking down on her. “Is everythin’ all right?”

“Da,” Brianna said with a small laugh, rolling her eyes. His heart leaped at the sound and he smiled a little bit. She reached up to brush his tears away. “I’m pretty sure we don’t need to talk about me right now.”

“Indulge yer Da, will ye?” Jamie asked softly. “Dinna think it has escaped my notice that ye rode here in the middle of the night, leavin’ yer husband an’ yer bairn to come see yer mother an’ I.”

“I took Jemmy with me,” Brianna said, almost indignantly. “Roger…had a rough night.” Her eyes lost some of their eyes and Jamie held her closer to him. “He asked to be alone.”

“He asked?” Jamie repeated, tilting his head.

“He wrote it down,” she told him with a sardonic smile. “He seemed so distressed…I don’t even think he realized what time it was, but there was just enough light that I could see, so I just grabbed a horse and I…I did as he asked. He hasn’t asked for anything, not really, so I thought maybe this would help, but now I don’t think I did the right thing at all.”

“Ye can only do what a man asks, ye canna read his mind…” Jamie replied. “The worst thing ye prolly did there was wakin’ Jemmy up.”

“Jemmy slept like an angel. He wasn’t any trouble at all.” She closed her eyes and smiled thinly. “Sometimes I think he really is the best part of me.”

“Our babes usually are the better parts of ourselves,” Jamie agreed, squeezing her close to him. “But dinna let that be all ye are, and dinna let anyone take the good parts away from ye.” 

“He was just so jumpy, and I thought if Jemmy and I moved to fast, maybe we’d set him off or something and he’d react without thinking—” she babbled, and then stopped abruptly, as if she knew exactly what she was implying.

Jamie looked down at her again, and really made sure he made eye contact before asking, “Are ye really all right, a leannan?”

_If he’s laid a hand on her, he’s a dead man._

Even now he was sometimes surprised by how strong his protective urge was for Brianna, despite her being fully grown and not being with him for very long. His first instinct was to rip Roger limb from limb if he so much laid a finger on his annsachd that she didn’t want.

But looking her over, she seemed to be all in one piece, no bruises or anything to suggest she’d been harmed physically.

Once that urge passed, his next was to find Roger and yell at him to pull himself together for the sake of his wife and child so that they did not have to fear every move he made. Or at the very least, he wanted to yell at Roger for letting his wife and their child traipse off into the woods—alone—in the middle of the night.

_Look what happened the last time he let her go off in the middle of the night alone_ , a traitorous part of his mind supplied unhelpfully.

And yet, looking at his daughter, it was clear that yelling at Roger wasn’t going to anyone a bit of good. If anything, it seemed it would cause more problems than solve, and it was the last thing he wanted for anyone he loved so dearly.

“Nothing happened, Da. It was kind of refreshing to ride in the morning air. There’s something really peaceful about being by yourself sometimes,” Brianna said cheerfully.

“Aye, I think I can understand that,” Jamie replied wryly, tilting his head to indicate how he’d been alone on the porch before her arrival. “What’d you do with Jemmy anyway?”

“I put him in bed with Mama. Figured she’d enjoy cuddling with a younger man for a change,” Brianna teased him, a grin pulling upward at the corners of her mouth.

“If yer teasin’ like me than I ken yer fine,” he muttered, a grin starting to form on his own lips.

“I really am fine. At least for right now,” she reassured him confidently, looking up at him with eyes that were so much like her mother’s. “I’m fine. Jemmy’s fine. Roger would never hurt us, not intentionally.” She rested her head back on his shoulder and he squeezed her a little bit closer to him. “Does that ease your mind at all?”

“More than ye ken,” Jamie whispered, kissing the top of her head. He closed his eyes for a minute.

Holding his daughter to him provided him with a peace he’d only known when holding Claire in his arms. The security of true and unconditional love was something was not so easily swept aside and more healing than any physician could have prescribed. Even now, knowing she was safe in his arms and Claire was safe in the house provided him a comfort he did not know he needed.

But somehow, his daughter did.

“How did ye know that I needed a hug?” he asked.

“It was all I wanted when Frank died.”

The little quaver in her voice had him holding her just a little bit tighter, a silent apology for not being there all the times that she needed someone.

“Sometimes it just felt like the world kept spinning and I wanted someone to hold me close just for a moment to make it stop,” she admitted. “So, I thought…maybe you needed someone to help you make it stop too.”

“Yer right. I have needed that of late,” he told her.

Though he knew it was common for girls to be educated in her time, he still was awestruck at just how bright his girl was. He felt like the proudest father in all of time and space for the tenacious woman who was bright and determined, passionate and caring. She was all these things and it took his breath away.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Brianna asked, raising her eyebrows at him. “About Murtaugh?”

He looked down and away from her but did not dare loosen his grip on her. “I just…canna help thinkin’…perhaps if I had gone to talk to him myself or made sure no one followed me when the battle started…we could’ve avoided all of it,” Jamie sighed, closing his eyes. “No matter how I look at it, ‘tis my fault, Bree. And I dinna think any amount of time will take that away.” He looked out over the fence and into the forest. “How could I have repaid a man who has given me so much with death?”

She did not answer right away, a little grimace tugging at her lips while she gave the question some thought. “It’s okay not to have an answer for everythin’, a leannan,” he told her affectionately, though there was still a catch to his words just even from thinking about Murtaugh.

Still, Brianna took a few more moments to carefully choose her words, as if she wanted to make sure that they had a strong enough impact. “I…it always felt like my fault. When Frank died. He wouldn’t have been driving that night if not for me. If we’d gone to dinner, he wouldn’t have been on the road at the same time as that other car…” she whispered, and though he wasn’t entirely sure of the full context of her words, he definitely recognized the thought pattern he’d been stuck in for the last few weeks.

“How could ya have ken what would happen that night lass? Aye, it could’ve been fine. Or ye could’ve both perished, an’ yer mother an’ I would be so lost without ye,” Jamie whispered roughly, his throat choking up again at a scenario that had not even happened. “Yer mother an’ I love ye so much, Brianna. I dinna think ye ken how much sometimes.”

“Da, don’t you see?” Bree asked gently, looking up at him again. “With Murtaugh, it’s not your fault either. And anything you could’ve done differently…me and Mama could’ve lost you too. And we would’ve been just as lost.” She linked her arms around his neck and buried her face there. He shifted only a bit to keep her as tight to him as his own ribs.

The tears began anew, and as frustrated as he was that he was still crying, there was a relief in it as well. “I love ye, a leannan,” he told her fiercely, the tears running a little bit more freely now. “Ye ken that, right?”

“Of course I do, Da,” she replied, and even though the sound was muffled by his shirt, he heard the words loud and clear. “I love you too. So much more than I even know how to say.” She stayed there with him for a few more moments, letting him cry, before she pulled back slightly. “Talking about it helped too,” she explained to her father. “You could tell me about Murtaugh and it might help.”

“I dinna ken if I have the heart for it just yet,” he admitted, looking down and away for a minute.

“Because that’s like admitting he’s really gone,” Bree said knowingly. Jamie nodded his agreement, hating how her words came from experience. He could not help but kiss her forehead as a gesture of solace and she smiled a little bit at him. “It still hurts to talk about Frank sometimes. What if you tell me one story about Murtaugh, and then I tell you one story about Frank, and then we leave it at that?”

“Only one?” Jamie asked with a playful suspiciousness.

“One for now,” Bree explained. “And then the next time we need it, we tell another.”

He was never going to be able to resist when her face shone with joy like that. “Ye drive a hard bargain, a leannan,” Jamie teased affectionately. He gestured to the porch step and led her to it. She sat down on the step and he side beside her, but it wasn’t long before she was cuddled up against his side again.

Before he started his story, he paused, thinking of his son in law. “Do ye want me to wake yer mother?” he asked her. “An’ she can go check Roger’s ailments?”

“No, no,” she said lightly. “When we’ve swapped stories, I’ll go back and give him breakfast. That way he’ll get the alone time he asked for, I can go see if he’s safe, I won’t have to worry about him, and I’ll see if I can help him get through it before taking Jemmy home.”

“Ye ken ye don’t have to do this alone?” Jamie encouraged. “Yer mother and I are always here to help ye, lass.”

“I know, Da,” Brianna told him, the peaceful smile still on her face. “I’ll tell you if I need help. But for now, I want to help you talk about Murtaugh.”

“All right,” Jamie acquiesced, tugging Brianna a little bit closer to him as they looked out over the rising sun. "When I was a wee lad..." 


End file.
